confession time (p.s. you really don't have to read this)

I'm ashamed of myself. 

I legit skipped school this whole week, because I've been really down again.

This time it's about college. 

I go to this thing for my public school that is online oriented and I have still been working on assignments, but at the same time, I miss a traditional classroom, I miss my old self, I miss my sister and I'm gonna miss her even more next year, I miss visiting my mom's side of the family almost every chance I got, and to be completely honest I know that staying home is not fixing any of that.

My number #1 aka my therapist told me I need to hop back on the mouse wheel, because once I'm on it will get easier. She's right.

I am surprisingly only keeping up writing on this blog, and this other project I'm doing which I'm really very proud of. 

I wish I could call my sister and ask for her help, but I'm afraid of what she'll say. I just need more 'realistic' self care. 
As in yes I am feeling anxious, but I want to do the thing, so I'm gonna try and go. 
And yes I'm so sad, and I haven't taken a shower in a week, but I need the structure of school, and I miss being clean. 
And oh yeah maybe I'll just throw my meds in the trash, but I have a wonderful doctor who wants me to keep taking them, and their are people to call, and email, and talk to when I wanna stop doing something that's good for me. 
And remember when I used to do sports and other activities? Yup, I need to find some more, even if it just means riding my bike, honestly that's a good start.

And realistic goals go as follows

THINGS THAT ARE IN MY REACH (I have small arms bear with me)

- listen to female artists when I'm sad (so many but i'll make a playlist) they're like sisters, aunties, and mother's giving great advice, boys can go away. 

- hang out with friends because they are friends for a reason duh!!

- keep on writing for an hour a day, only good things have come from it so far.

- um you know those twenty something books you bought / checked out? yeah maybe try to read a couple of them...I mean I know your curious as to what's in those.

- yeah AP english SUX balls, but it's March, and by May you'll be done, so just try to finish it and yr other dumb classes, and hopefully next year it's all about gender studies, Japanese language and culture, and creative writing. 

- maybe if calling is to hard email your sister, advice wise, or just seeing how she is, I mean she is yr blood relative, there has got to be some love in her body with your name on it. 

- SLEEP. I don't like sleep because I get so creative late at night but rn my brain is gonna keep sending me bad vibes unless i put it to sleep so yeah this is sad and I'm like a 3rd grader but I'm gonna try hitting the sack before 10. And my doc said, I should get off the computer by 8. UGH

- don't freak about college take Noorann's advice

- remind myself of my goals, and reflect on them daily. 

- drink hot chocolate, it really does help. 

i think i'll be productive now,
casey