graduation has come and past. officially and unofficially. mine is tomorrow, however I graduated last week on wednesday. It's weird that I spent 4 years essentially in one place, in one body, hour to hour, homework to homework, passing and failing, and everything in between. And I think I learned how to live in my body easier. I want to collect the feelings I felt at the worst moments, to show myself that even I made it to the fifth year; the afterthought, "oh I'm not in high school anymore." To be honest I've been listening to lots of grieving songs which is normal but I can't help remember my graduation from elementary to high school. How I left everyone, spent the summer so disconnected, was forced to go to a CIT camp, met someone who'd be attending the same high school, moped around because I knew it was the end of something. People left, friends and memories reduced to random texts, "Is that Casey?" or "blah blah ___(insert person's name) is up to this."
+caramel emotion
I'm not quite sure how to make sense of this journey (I guess I'm obliged to call it that), but I don't want to at the same time. It was just 4 years, 4 new pairs of school shoes, the same dreary wardrobe, bad and good eating habits, stress and no stress, assignments and teachers I admired, some that I miss so dearly it's hard to counter, and tests and people who taught me but I felt like a worn out textbook that some kid threw on the ground because they didn't need it anymore. I don't want to cry, I want to remind myself that I am a sum of every age I pass. So something that I guess these next four years should be surrounded by is those versions of myself, and how in the tiniest ways, my living could make them proud. (I'm gonna keep a picture of little me for when i'm sad/frustrated and still wanna keep going but don't know how).
My parent's keep mocking my end of high school high with knocks of the door of life, "I think they're hiring!" "My friends son got a job after he graduated" And next week my sister graduates from college, and everything feels fuzzy unlike white noise, it's the uncomfortable hand me down sheets that soak you in sweat and I feel like I felt doll in the middle of my story. It's understandable that I'm supposed to get a job, I personally want to go work on a farm, which surprisingly is looking more and more possible because of sparse job openings.
+working on my skateboarding
My best friend and I have taken a break. I crushed someone a bit too hard with my crush. I want to hold hands with my future self as they lead me up the creaky staircase. And I told myself this summer, I will have goals, but right now that's something I'm not gonna focus on. I want to take long bike rides, and run to clear the agenda's and to-do lists's and write letters to myself when I'm feeling the beauty of the sunshine and not the heat and buzzing wasps around me as I scream my way back into the house. I'm not sure what it will take to continue or keep going or find out my goals may change and I might need to reassess. But I'm going to leave that up to the universe, and not try to analyze the things that are far away, and instead skip rocks, spill juice all over me, and laugh because I've got tomorrow and the next day and the next year and everything won't be circular it will be abstract and parallel if I let it.
+fisher-price i love you, don't worry
i had to post the lyrics of this it's like an interlude into my "next time"
and the news makes it on tape
it’s official the duct tape suits on
the couple at the prom in tiny
minnesota giving people something
to cheer for and hope for and
know as you look out the dim window
brick overcast house looking at
the children you never had and only
sometimes want why don’t they
appear in your hand just to twirl
around a little bit and call you mommy
and kiss you on the cheek to tell
you they’re sorry and love you and
you can forgive them as the tv
blares on into the sunset oh the
nyquil sunset grass overcomes
you falling down the stairs into the
solid ground you want to stand
on facing the only person you’ve ever
loved in a lonely world where you
know no one and dreaming of ferrari
heights and glamorous bodies just
grinding on you and letting them have
you and
sit for a while
they’re happy there and
fans go off while there’s no one there
you’re in the darkness
and a tv show tells you you’re sorry
you whispered “i love you, don’t worry”
|
to my fellow graduates and everyone else,
trust your life is going to be okay.
casey
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