ca va le chien

"I wanted to belong to you"



//

spring break. spring ache.

//

I'm moving through the sent mail phantoms in gmail,
I'm moving through them and hating all the responses I could've gotten, there is not received folder
only an inbox
I re-subscribed to this email that comes daily, and I have not gotten it yet,
I doubt it is over for everyone, I will take the wrong bus three times in my life, especially when they are not busses.

I almost finished my small, b-l-a-c-k, generic, unfriendly, taunting, and haunting journal today, helps to fill it with letters, helps to fill your drafts with emails,
helps to send them to yourself, helps to surround yourself with yourself, helps to have your dirty unwashed finger nails scratching your uvula in an effort to surround internally, eternally yourself, is that why love is so often displaced within the actualization of "self"
not quite leather
not quite faux


who is it that said "forget your ego"

what is a guru, when in the grave :: I'm counting each ache in my body,
each one that comes after you do not,
I'm coming to,
coming to your hands again,
the picture is erased from my phone, my memory grips a corner of it long enough to quickly make it,
to see the stars just as they fade, just as your brow stops sweating, and then another anxiety reacts in your glands, I is what needs to be forgotten, I without me, I without you?

I am talking to more friends than I have in a while, he went to get the mail and stayed outside in office clothes for an extra 10 minutes, stopped to say, 'I was just..it's so nice...' ask him what exactly was he staring at, bills cutting the sore parts where winter grew on his hands, he responds 'it all...all of it' to say all twice in a sentence, do they cancel out like in a fraction, 2 across from 2, 4 across from 4, 1 across from 1.
and that is me
and I
and you

1 across from 1, not quite "our" or "we" yet.
needing to know when you stopped being ticklish, when you stopped performing it all,
when you gave up, but not in.

friend or foe

used up phrases, childhood is what she's avoiding talking about, what I am too, introductions do not begin with "I played the princess in the games at recess"

meditating on :: I'll never know what it was like to be alive in 1989, I'll never know what it was like to have your hairstyle, in your teens, I can share, as you do, but as much as you do not, I am learning, I can see it coming, I can predict, I can play the weatherman, lying or instinct? you do not wake up across from a mirror, you only stare into it more.

I'm not saying goodnight, if you aren't.

***

(written to A, the cursor is gone, as is the draft, not hitting send for a while)

***

VOIR LE CHIEN! CA VA LE CHIEN? CA VA?

***

“[she] had no sympathy for the emotionally weak or deprived [...] which didn’t mean [she] wasn’t capable of giving good advice to someone in trouble; but the advice tended to leave the sufferer feeling [she] was inadequate and unworthy” (page 20, “The Golden Notebook” by Doris Lessing)