mazzy star --what a name, mazy too. a forever kid kind of name.

i) I totally messed up this white-ish shirt I used to wear, it’s like one of those generic “I went on vacation shirts” but like its so memory soaked yk? it’s stains do not wash out anymore, and I just really smelled it, and I do not know why I haven’t ever before..

ii) I mean life is such a time-stop sometimes..it smells like breathing, like vacation rooms, like sand tasting water, like all the fights, it’s such an obnoxious white, I’m so mad that I never stopped to smell the laundry, I just keep folding, fabric, bodily, it’s nothing but analogy 24/7, 

iii) analogy is laced in my food like pesticide apples, a friend I had with really bad anxiety, could only eat organic apples, organic prices shot through the roof, I haven’t seen her eat an apple since, I haven’t seen her since at all.

iv) I DIDN'T TEXT HER I’m scared and typing this because somebody just died, and who do I tell? def-ini-tely an overshare, but not usually, I feel safe telling you things, it’s the only thing I can’t write a thousand words about, can’t explain. permeance is fighting, I hope you are well, I hope when I say that to people (you), it has not lost it’s meaning, I should have been branded empath when I was born, honestly, lately it feels like a sickness without cure, maybe it's not fair to compare it to that::: AND SHE DIDN'T TEXT BACK

v) "IS IT ALWAYS A FEAR THING WITH YOU?" I could never start i love dick, it felt like looking into a mirror, dirty, so dirty, you have to see yourself, to get away from it, the stain is and isn’t you, I am looking for so many ways to not think *how are you* I am busy, be busy! forget! It’s not that easy, no matter busy, I feel alone, when alone, I’m with you? or maybe not you, a version of me that likes  you.

vi)  i’m sorry I keep: dot dot dotting, today somebody said they were gonna drive to portland I thought oregon, they meant maine, how many times have I said, oh really, or wow, or nodded, and we we’re nodding at different things, when I talk to you are we creating a new sphere? a cloud, in the iCloud? it’s shady around, only because I let the trees wilt, and their curves hide the sun, better than the taut healthy growths, sorry for force feeding you this, fuck i cannot stop thinking about you anna, at all, ever, ever:::: SHE REPLIES IN SECRET "YES"

vii) what I mean is - do you have a shirt like that, what do you smell like right now, why am i doing this to myself? i  eat in front of the t.v. just to be with someone who needs it - NIGHTLY NEWS --

**she’s trying to live in another reality” *girl from pure asks for ketchup douses her boyfriends meal of spaghetti in it* hides in the stare, the tv and her, are playing a game**

everything in my heart my nervous system, my frontal lobe is saying don't send this, a doesn't need this, a is busy, how can I not send something though -- 

viii) p.s. the only thing I'm looking forward to today is a radio intermission, a meeting with a friend over the waves, i'm a stranger to his other friends, and even a few states north, it's the closest I'll get to people in a while--of course because I estrange myself, not the other way around, IT'S ANOTHER FEAR THING, OPPORTUNITY