respit / relief

i. 5:25 am - is it furiously okay to only like the chase, chase not as a name, but as the sly look you give someone who isn't watching and doesn't care, the handhold you dream of but can't fathom when standing in line with all the other shapes and sizes of real hands, you remind yourself it's not idealization it's avoidance. prickly are the cries that barely touch the back of your throat and that opposite of relief/discomfort with not getting your choice is satisfying

ii. 5:40 am - kara wondering how do lamps start out, and could an architect also add musically inclined when filling out a job application. replace kara with your 5 letter namesake, because it's you, incognito, safety of a pseudonym. trite colors of orange, red, and beige, and people are starting to think of the fall mixtapes they will put on spotify, and one silver cd and on real tapes made of plastic and piano thread.

iii. 6:04 pm - you try to rouse your sleepy and bored parents with a lecture on respit and relief. the relief in the graph ironically is an upward strong of dots or lines, you see a reflection in the window outside the porch with the doorbell and get that sinking feeling again. back to the graph, your parents sigh and don't make eye contact with each other but swap it with you, they try to argue but you're too close. you weren't supposed to be here this year, somewhere on the east coast at a frat party or more likely in the makeshift therapist's office, far away from their bickering, they kept saving up until now, and they need relief, not a hill on a graph relief, not an upward climb of hell relief, the excess, the exude, the release of relief.

iv. 7:01 pm - you reminisce by yourself and realize how becoming nostalgia is, how selfish and sad it is to not share photo albums and to keep your thoughts in five notebooks at a time, looking back you won't forgive this naive part of yourself who thought that wallowing was better alone (e.g. misery loves company). but company keeps. company doesn't parish, especially when tears and sore limbs from restless nights are tallying up in the thousands. exaggerate in their presence. let it be known that you're a fraud and it will be easier to be original. but you remember the genome of genes and a lesson in biology class that in the womb you are recycled matter, out of the womb you are reused matter, and reducing issues of the emotional brand your are sifted into grey granules and poured into a brass grail from the funeral company tm.

v. 9:45 pm - black lives matter, boy in routine alabama sweatshirt knocks a mean look off his shelf and blows it onto your wooden desk, you think talk is cheap and the professors begs with her head nods for someone to answer but you shyly look down, even when saying black lives matter, no one listens, they can't hear you, the argument is overused, obvious, and finite. you forget to breath and lose a bit of the day behind your thoughts. and instead of thinking it over watch an episode of house, best not remember what happened in your monday brain.

vi. 10:58 am - again your shadow is ahead of you while you walk up the hill. taunting the fact that reading about how music makes you move faster, only now fills your shins and thighs with a sleeping hormone, the same one that's non-exists in turkey on thanksgiving.

practicing,
cbnl